Third Trimester....on the downhill run

So I am now in my third trimester, all is going well at the moment. Only 12 weeks to go, yikes! There is so much to do and so little time, yet I am getting bigger and much slower, so it takes me forever to do anything, when I actually manage to have the energy to do anything!




I had another scan at around 20 weeks and they took thousands of measurements and everything was how it was meant to be. They found and measured everything that they should have, which was a big relief. We also found out we were having a little girl! Although, she was very modest at the time (which is a good thing for a little girl) it made it difficult for them to determine, two people had a look and both confirmed there was the "3 lines" which indicates girlie bits and not boy bits.

I have been feeling well since about 16 or 17 weeks. I had a good 10 weeks and have started getting very tired again. If I get too tired then I start to feel unwell again, so I have to start reducing my hours at work to the "normal" hours instead of doing 1-2 hours overtime each day.

I had my glucose test on Thursday, checking for gestational diabetes. Little BB enjoyed the sugary goodness of the glucose, about half hour after I had drunk it there was a lot of movement, I am thinking somersaults! I will get the results next Friday afternoon.

It has been a really interesting time for me. I am still in shock that there is a little person growing inside me and that this person will come to rely on me 100% in a few short months. It is all a bit surreal for me that I have this person inside me....I can only imagine how difficult it is for Shane to try and comprehend.

I felt the baby move for the first time on 29 March around 9pm(I remember the date cause it was 8 months and about 1 hour after mum passed away, those dates just stick with you). I had just gone to bed and settled down and felt a light fluttering in my belly that went on and off for about half an hour.

Shane felt the baby move for the first time on Easter Monday. I had seen my belly move when I was at dads for the Easter long weekend and knew he would be able to feel it. I drove home Easter Monday and she started moving when I went to bed. So I came out to the lounge room (Shane was still up) and sat down but she stopped moving, so after about half hour of nothing I went back to bed. Shane came to bed a little while later and while I was lying the
re she started moving again.

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly and he felt her move. It was a nice moment, sitting there for about a minute and then after awhile, Shane did an aliens impersonation which made me laugh and the movement was gone.

I have to admit, I don't know what I would have done without my husband over the last 5 months, he has been amazing. He hasn't stopped cooking, cleaning and helping me up, lol! He has been there for me throughout everything, including those emotional days, stupid pregnancy hormones! I love him soooo much!

It has also been a time of great sadness for me. I feel like I am missing out on a huge part of the whole pregnancy experience, sharing this moment with my mummy! It is so hard because I know she would have played a huge part in my pregnancy. She would have been so excited and come shopping with me and it would have been such a fun thing. I know she would have ensured that I knew what was going on, that I had everything I need. I feel like I have no idea about all this mother type stuff, the stuff she knew so well and was amazing at.

At the moment I am relying a lot on books to find out all those little things that I know mum would have prepared me for. I have been blessed with a knowledgeable sister, Kirsty and a wonderful friend, Mandy! I am so lucky, not only will I have my amazing husband Shane with me when our baby is born but Kirsty will be there as well. She will be the brains of the event, having been in this situation previously herself. She is even coming down next weekend to attend our antenatal class with Shane and I. I am lucky to have these amazing people around me!

Mandy has been amazing, ensuring I have things like bio oil to prevent my stretch marks, breast pads in my bag in case I start leaking early, showing me how to put together an electric breast pump, providing all those little things that I wouldn't have otherwise known. Mum was always so open with us about life and prepared us well but there are some things you just don't need to know until it happens.

I feel so sad that my mummy is not here for this, I feel very empty at times without her for this big event in my life. At times I just break down, I can't do this without her, I want my mummy. She should be here for this!

The trip to Charters Towers.....

So the last time I wrote about what happened with my mum I ended up being in Munduberra with my two sisters on our way to Charters Towers.

I don't think any of us slept well the night night before we left - I couldn't stop thinking not only about my husband driving all the way back to Brisbane but also what was going on with my mum. I didn't know how serious this all was, what was going to happen to my mum.

Well about 6am on the Sunday morning (11 July 2010) my sisters - Kirsty, Amy and I set off to find answers and give support to my mum and dad. I was camped out in the back seat and Kirsty and Amy took it in turns to drive. I hate driving but reassured both of them that if all of their arms fell off, I would drive!

It was a 10 hour drive filled with laughter (it is a Tyson coping mechanism), many tears, talk about what was happening, what would happen with our mum - I believe I also did an amazing rendition of "way out west" at a service station in the middle of nowhere, I may have embarrassed my sisters just a little bit.

After a long journey we finally managed to make our way to Charters Towers - admittedly it took us awhile to find mum and dads place - how you get lost in Charters Towers I don't know but we managed it (to call would have totally ruined any surprise and we learnt the art of surprise from our mum) - but we did get there eventually.

We pulled up out the front of the house and walked around the side towards the back, as we got to the back of the house dad was walking around the corner (to go feed the next door neighbours cat). I remember seeing the look of absolute shock and disbelief on his face, then him breaking down in tears - I think this was the first time I had ever really seen my dad really cry - he asked what we were doing here and we all responded that we had to be there. He pointed us to the back door and said mums inside.

I remember walking in the back door and seeing my mummy on the recliner looking so sick and her belly being so swollen. It took her a second or two but then she realised what was going on. She asked us what we were doing there but was happy to see us. We sat and talked for a while.

After a while, even in her unwell state, mum got up to show us around her new home - she took us on a tour of the yard - she walked so slowly and with such pain but still wanted to show off her place. She told us all about her neighbours and how lovely they were.

That afternoon I went with dad to take Molly for a walk. Kirsty and Amy stayed and spoke with mum. Dad was so happy we were there and so relieved to have us there. He said that he could tell she had picked up a bit just by seeing us. I remember having a talk with him about the prognosis (I was still so unsure of where things stood). He said it didn't look too good and hopefully we would have some answers in the coming days but he wanted to get mum down to Brisbane as soon as possible for treatment which meant they would be moving in with Shane and I for a while - I was happy to do what we could to help. The one thing I really remember was dad saying to me that the one thing mum hated the thought of was not meeting all her grandchildren or Amy's future husband.

When he said those words to me, it started to sink in the severity of the situation but it still had not completely sunk in. All I could think was my mum is a fighter, she will be fine and I honestly believed that for the next two and a half weeks right up until two hours before she passed away.

Our News.....

Just thought I would let everyone know that Shane and I are expecting our first child on 20 August this year. We are both very excited and nervous about bringing a new life into this world.

Although this is an unexpected surprise, we are both very happy to be blessed with the opportunity to have a baby of our own.

On Thursday I had the 12 week scan, which determines the likelihood of chromosomal diseases such as Downs Syndrome. We were told our risk was very low. All we can hope for now is a beautiful healthy baby.

BB (Baby Burgin) was not impressed with having to share space in me during the scan with my full bladder. I was allowed to release some of the fluid and it was absolutely amazing to see BB bounce around inside me. It was as though BB was going "yay, there is all this room now and I am going to use it all"!

It is so amazing to see this baby forming inside you. Even more amazing that at this stage, if I wasn't sick and tired all the time, I really wouldn't know anything was going on inside! It really is crazy how your body just knows how to make this baby and I don't have to do anything (I am really glad it hasn't asked me for instructions, he he he).

I would just like to show you a couple of photos of our baby and will keep you updated on the progress.

Six Months ago today.....

Where has the time gone? It only seems like yesterday that my mummy was here with us all, laughing with us, crying with us, being our best friend. How can time go so quickly, yet it all seem so close?

I still recall every sad moment of the last three weeks of my mummy's life, it is all still so painful and real. The loss of your mum and best friend cannot be described, it is so emotional and with you every day of your life! Nothing can feel the void and just the thought of not seeing her again can make you break down in a second.

She was the first person I would call for anything that happened in my life. So much has happened in this short period of time and so many times I have wanted to call her but have to stop and think who do I call now?

My mum was the most amazing woman ever. She brought so much joy to so many people. She was full of life and love and was the most generous person I have ever known. I miss her every day. I will miss her smile, her laughter and her love of life.

She always lit up the room when she walked in , there was never a dull moment when mum was around!

I love you so much mummy, you will be forever missed!

You will always be in my thoughts and I know you will always be by my side!

Ballina for the weekend

I want to start by sharing some awesome news....my friend Louise and her husband welcomed their first baby, son Jett, into the world on Monday! I am so excited and happy for them. This baby is a miracle and I believe will be an absolute blessing to them both! They will be wonderful parents. This is a truly wanted baby! Congratulations Louise and Tony, hope everything is going well, I can't wait to meet Jett!

So this weekend I headed down to Ballina for the weekend. My husband is over in Perth for work and so I have decided to spend some quality time with my dad and sister each weekend.

Friday afternoon I finished work, headed home to pick up the dog and started my trip to Ballina. On my way down along the highway near the Gold Coast I watched as a van 50 metres in front of me in the left hand lane, lucky I was in the right hand lane, slammed on its brakes. I heard a screeching skid mark then saw the van start to fishtail, next thing it turned and hit the cement wall to its left head on. Just as I past it it was heading back onto the road. I freaked out and went to slam on my brakes but something stopped me and the thought was there, if you slam on your brakes you will end up the same, so I kept going! As I passed the van it spun round and I saw the damage to the front of the car. It was horrible....so in shock I completed my journey to Ballina.

I arrived in Ballina at my dad's place, the first time I had been there to stay (I have previously been staying with Kim and Beth) since mum passed away! It was very sad heading to mum and dad's place with no mum there, just knowing she wouldn't be there running out the door to see me as I arrived made me so sad!

But I was so happy to see my daddy and my sister when I arrived. We had dinner, watched Dawson's Creek (oh the memories) and headed to bed! Unfortunately my dog Buddy had other ideas, he kept me awake all night he decided he was on guard duty and kept wandering all over the house!

Saturday dad and I went to visit mum in Lismore. The plaque for her grave arrived a couple of weeks ago and it was the first time I had seen it! It is just what she would have wanted...a fantastic fuschia plaque with gold edging! It stands out among the other graves, just how it should be!

It was a very difficult morning but was good to go spend time with mum again. Mums best friend Vicki has recently been involved in a floristry course and made mum the best bright pink posie ever. She left it there the week before and it still looked amazing, she is so talented and has been amazing to our family during this difficult time!

As we were heading back to Ballina i received a txt message from my friend Sarah who lives in the UK but is over in Australia at the moment on holidays, saying that she was in Ballina on her way back down to Canberra. I was stoked, I thought I had missed catching up with her in Brisbane on the Friday night cause I was in Ballina!

We caught up and spent some quality time together. I miss Sarah so much, she is such a joy to be around, always making me laugh, just what I needed! She gave me more exciting news...her and boyfriend Scott are engaged! I am so excited for them, they have been having a long distance relationship for about 7 years, Scott lives in Canberra!!!!! Congratulations Sarah and Scott, I am so happy for you and can't wait to attend the wedding! You guys are an amazing couple and love you both heaps!

We had a quite evening getting Thai takeaway, which was delicious, putting up the Christmas tree (another difficult moment - mum loved Christmas sooooo much) and watching Amy's new favourite, Dawson's Creek!

This morning I headed to Church with my dad and sister, I like to go and be the strong one there for my dad, he likes to go but is so hard for him cause it reminds him so much of mum and the time they spent there and how much she loved her Church. So the strong daughter ended up running out of the Church in tears....go me! Someone was sharing a story about how they had been so sick about 10 years ago, they were crippled with pain in their joints, their kidneys failed and they ended up on dialysis. She ended up being cured, her kidneys started functioning again and she looked quite healthy today. She was telling her story and all I could think was why not mum? Why wasn't my mum still here? Why did she have to go through all the pain of dialysis, a kidney transplant and then finally cancer? Why was my mum not still here? It is so unfair! I had to leave! I still don't understand and never will why my mummy was taken away from me and her whole family so early. It just was not meant to be this way! I ended up going back in and spoke with dad, he totally understood and was asking the same questions as me, and was sad too! Why was his BFF and wife taken from him! I don't think we will ever know!

Anyway, dad, Amy and I ended up going out for lunch which was lovely! Then I decided to kidnap my daddy and bring him back to Brisbane! So my dad is staying here with me for the week, to keep me company while my husband is away! I am so happy I have my daddy with me!

Hope you had a good weekend!

PS - Amy I hope you are feeling better!

My new job

I have once again been procrastinating about this blog, I really want to finish my blogs about what happened with my mummy but it is so hard! I want to write it down so its not forgotten and I will get to it, maybe next week....but for some good news to share!

So those of you who don't know, I started a new job on 18 October. I am now Team Leader for Animal Management with the Redland City Council. It basically combines my knowledge of the law with my managment and customer service skills! It is great! I am loving it.

So what prompted this drastic move in career....well my mummy!

I totally owe my new found enjoyment of work to my mum! I did like my old job, well to an extent but to really succeed you had to be someone I am not and I would often ring my mum in tears from work because I felt so stressed and all I wanted was to succeed at it! I was always so tired from putting everything into it, traveling so far, and working long hours!

Just before mum got sick, I applied for a position with the Redland City Council but just missed out on it, however was told by the Council they thought they could use me and I should apply for one of the positions they had coming up! The position was advertised in July and the Saturday after it was advertised we found out mum had cancer. Mum knew about the job and she was so excited for me, she knew I had to get out of my job and really wanted me to go for this job! It was the last thing on my mind at the time as we went through so much in the following weeks.

Just after mum passed away, something reminded me to have a look at the job position again, I looked it up thinking I would have missed the cut off for applications but applications closed the day after mums funeral.

So the day after mummy's funeral I sat down and applied for this job, my heart was not in it but I knew I had to do it! I got an interview and the rest is history.

It has been a very difficult time to change jobs as no one knows what I have been through! So I have to turn up every day with a smile on my face and hide the pain that I am going through. Also mum would have been so happy for me and would have called a million times to see how I was doing. I miss her calls to check up on me, see how I am doing and ensure I am happy.

I know mum would be so happy for me and glad it has all worked out! I now have the work/life balance I need and the flexibility to see my family and not stress about what work I am not getting to!

Dad has been wonderful, checking up on us all! Although he is going through so much, he makes time for all of us kids! He is an amazing man! I love him so much.

The Day that Changed my Life....

10 July 2010, is the day that changed my life forever and not in a good way. The day will stick in my mind as the second worse day of my life. It was the begining of 19 days of craziness, sadness and a great sense of family I knew our family already had!

Although this was the day, it all started much earlier. A couple of weeks after my mum moved up to Charters Towers to join my dad, she started feeling unwell! We all thought it was a bug mum had picked up or I really thought it was the stress release - you know after you have experienced a whole lot of stress and your body finally catches up with you when the stress goes, its not uncommon to get sick.

Anyway about 2 weeks prior to 10 July 2010, in fact around Sunday 27 June 2010, mum started having symptoms like a gastro bug. She just couldn't keep anything down and was quite unwell. Every time I called she had either been to the doctors, was at the chemist or too unwell to talk. Over the last 5.5 years, since her kidney transplant, whenever she got sick she would be sick for a long time and it would hang around because she was on immuno suppressant medication. I just thought it was one of those bugs that was hanging around.

On Friday night 9 July 2010, I received a text from my mummy saying "hey went n had a ct scan today n a ultrasound in Townsville. Still vomiting. Will let u know when I hear anything." Within seconds I was on the phone to mum, all I remember was asking "are they looking for anything in particular" and all mum responded was "yes". I asked "what are they looking for" and all she responded was that she didn't want to say anything until she had the test results which she expected to have mid next week. She told me that she had had a bad day and if she had a bad day tomorrow she would have to go back to the hospital for more saline. I tried to be positive and said that she probably just had a bad day cause she was nervous about the tests and she would be feeling better tomorrow.

After I got off the phone to her I burst into tears and was inconsolible. Shane just hugged me and asked what was wrong. We discussed the matter and came to the most logical conclusion that it was most likely mum's kidney was failing. I then rationalised that we had been through this before and we could do it again. I even joked that we had even more kidneys around than the last time mum needed a kidney...checking out Shane's kidneys saying I'd been fattening them up!

Saturday 10 July, I got up and met my friend Danni at the gym. She was having problems with her mum. I was going to mention how my mum was sick but thought no it'll be ok. I headed home, had a shower and headed into the CBD to get my hair done.

While I was at the hair dresser I received a text message from my sister, Kirsty, "Hey guys, just texted dad. Mum is in the hospital getting some more fluids, she can't keep anything down. Think she needs a few prayers!"

After my hair was done I had a few errands to do. Whilst I was wondering the city I received a phone call from my mummy, it was about 2.30pm. She asked if I was at home and I told her I was in the city I had just finished getting my hair done. She told me to give her a call when I got home. I asked her "don't you want to talk now" and she said "no", go home and be with Shane and call me.

I immediately knew I had to get home straight away, mum would always talk no matter where I was or what I was doing, I knew that my life was about to change dramatically and not for good! I rushed around the Myer Centre looking for the lift that I had come up in and couldn't find it. I chose another lift and turned out it didn't go to the carparks. I eventually found my way to my car.

The whole way home I knew my life would change with the next phone call I had to make. It was the longest 40 minutes of my life. I couldn't stop thinking, I again convinced myself it was kidney failure. I remember walking in the front door, normally when I walked in the door from getting my hair done Shane says (even though he doesn't see a difference in my hair) "nice hair baby". This day he looked at me and asked "what's wrong?".

I explained that I had to call mum, she wanted me to be home before she would talk to me. I called mum.

I don't recall alot from the conversation but I remember her trying to small talk at the beginning and all I said was how are you? She said she had been in hospital cause she hadn't been able to keep anything down and needed some saline. She then said she had got her test results back already. She then said she had "Cancer".

The words still ring in my head today. I just broke down, I couldn't believe it, they had to have it wrong. Mum then told me that they thought the primary cancer was ovarian cancer and the secondary was probably stomach cancer. She then said that it had mastercised. I did not know what this meant at the time but I knew it was not good. I now know how bad it was.

I remember asking how she was dealing with it and she said she was ok. I asked how dad was and she said not good, he cries alot.

I asked the standard questions what can we do, how are they going to treat it etc. but they didn't know a lot and they were going to do further tests the following week.

I got off the phone to mum and told Shane, I broke down again and was inconsolable again, I had never know this sort of saddness or heartache, I couldn't cope with this news, it was terrible. Shane just hugged me again and said that he wanted to get me up to Charter's Towers I needed to be with my family, and started looking for flights! Then I got a phone call from my two sister's, Amy and Kirsty who were hanging together at Kirsty's at the time. We talked about what we all had gotten out of our respective phone calls. What mum had and hadn't said. They told me they were heading to Charter's Towers first thing in the morning. We were all so sad and in disbelief.

I got off the phone and told Shane I had to go and be with my sisters, I didn't want to fly I had to be with them. I packed my bag in about 10 minutes. Phoned Allison, one of the partners from work who was absolutely distraught for me, I then emailed the rest of the partners and office manager. Shane then drove me up to Mundubbera. I remember crying most of the way. However, just before we go to Gympie I got a message from my sisters requesting cheeseburgers and junior burgers (something they couldn't get out in Mundubbera), this made me laugh and so Shane and I stopped at MacDonalds to get the appropriate supplies.

We finally got to Mundubbera about 9pm and I got t0 see my sisters. We spoke again about what we recalled from our phone calls from mum and cried together. It was so good to see them but was so sad. Shane headed back to Brisbane that night, amazing man, lucky he had been working nights recently and it was the middle of his day!

I didn't sleep much that night for a couple of reasons! Firstly waiting to hear from Shane that he got home ok but mostly going over everything in my head. What had just happened, what were we going through, what was lying ahead for us, why did my mummy have to go through yet another health issue? This was all so unfair!

These questions would all be answered in the coming days......this was only the beginning. We would all have to draw on our strength and strong family ties to get through this......