Clare's Blogg

My Blogg for my family and friends

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ballina for the weekend

I want to start by sharing some awesome friend Louise and her husband welcomed their first baby, son Jett, into the world on Monday! I am so excited and happy for them. This baby is a miracle and I believe will be an absolute blessing to them both! They will be wonderful parents. This is a truly wanted baby! Congratulations Louise and Tony, hope everything is going well, I can't wait to meet Jett!

So this weekend I headed down to Ballina for the weekend. My husband is over in Perth for work and so I have decided to spend some quality time with my dad and sister each weekend.

Friday afternoon I finished work, headed home to pick up the dog and started my trip to Ballina. On my way down along the highway near the Gold Coast I watched as a van 50 metres in front of me in the left hand lane, lucky I was in the right hand lane, slammed on its brakes. I heard a screeching skid mark then saw the van start to fishtail, next thing it turned and hit the cement wall to its left head on. Just as I past it it was heading back onto the road. I freaked out and went to slam on my brakes but something stopped me and the thought was there, if you slam on your brakes you will end up the same, so I kept going! As I passed the van it spun round and I saw the damage to the front of the car. It was in shock I completed my journey to Ballina.

I arrived in Ballina at my dad's place, the first time I had been there to stay (I have previously been staying with Kim and Beth) since mum passed away! It was very sad heading to mum and dad's place with no mum there, just knowing she wouldn't be there running out the door to see me as I arrived made me so sad!

But I was so happy to see my daddy and my sister when I arrived. We had dinner, watched Dawson's Creek (oh the memories) and headed to bed! Unfortunately my dog Buddy had other ideas, he kept me awake all night he decided he was on guard duty and kept wandering all over the house!

Saturday dad and I went to visit mum in Lismore. The plaque for her grave arrived a couple of weeks ago and it was the first time I had seen it! It is just what she would have wanted...a fantastic fuschia plaque with gold edging! It stands out among the other graves, just how it should be!

It was a very difficult morning but was good to go spend time with mum again. Mums best friend Vicki has recently been involved in a floristry course and made mum the best bright pink posie ever. She left it there the week before and it still looked amazing, she is so talented and has been amazing to our family during this difficult time!

As we were heading back to Ballina i received a txt message from my friend Sarah who lives in the UK but is over in Australia at the moment on holidays, saying that she was in Ballina on her way back down to Canberra. I was stoked, I thought I had missed catching up with her in Brisbane on the Friday night cause I was in Ballina!

We caught up and spent some quality time together. I miss Sarah so much, she is such a joy to be around, always making me laugh, just what I needed! She gave me more exciting news...her and boyfriend Scott are engaged! I am so excited for them, they have been having a long distance relationship for about 7 years, Scott lives in Canberra!!!!! Congratulations Sarah and Scott, I am so happy for you and can't wait to attend the wedding! You guys are an amazing couple and love you both heaps!

We had a quite evening getting Thai takeaway, which was delicious, putting up the Christmas tree (another difficult moment - mum loved Christmas sooooo much) and watching Amy's new favourite, Dawson's Creek!

This morning I headed to Church with my dad and sister, I like to go and be the strong one there for my dad, he likes to go but is so hard for him cause it reminds him so much of mum and the time they spent there and how much she loved her Church. So the strong daughter ended up running out of the Church in tears....go me! Someone was sharing a story about how they had been so sick about 10 years ago, they were crippled with pain in their joints, their kidneys failed and they ended up on dialysis. She ended up being cured, her kidneys started functioning again and she looked quite healthy today. She was telling her story and all I could think was why not mum? Why wasn't my mum still here? Why did she have to go through all the pain of dialysis, a kidney transplant and then finally cancer? Why was my mum not still here? It is so unfair! I had to leave! I still don't understand and never will why my mummy was taken away from me and her whole family so early. It just was not meant to be this way! I ended up going back in and spoke with dad, he totally understood and was asking the same questions as me, and was sad too! Why was his BFF and wife taken from him! I don't think we will ever know!

Anyway, dad, Amy and I ended up going out for lunch which was lovely! Then I decided to kidnap my daddy and bring him back to Brisbane! So my dad is staying here with me for the week, to keep me company while my husband is away! I am so happy I have my daddy with me!

Hope you had a good weekend!

PS - Amy I hope you are feeling better!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

My new job

I have once again been procrastinating about this blog, I really want to finish my blogs about what happened with my mummy but it is so hard! I want to write it down so its not forgotten and I will get to it, maybe next week....but for some good news to share!

So those of you who don't know, I started a new job on 18 October. I am now Team Leader for Animal Management with the Redland City Council. It basically combines my knowledge of the law with my managment and customer service skills! It is great! I am loving it.

So what prompted this drastic move in career....well my mummy!

I totally owe my new found enjoyment of work to my mum! I did like my old job, well to an extent but to really succeed you had to be someone I am not and I would often ring my mum in tears from work because I felt so stressed and all I wanted was to succeed at it! I was always so tired from putting everything into it, traveling so far, and working long hours!

Just before mum got sick, I applied for a position with the Redland City Council but just missed out on it, however was told by the Council they thought they could use me and I should apply for one of the positions they had coming up! The position was advertised in July and the Saturday after it was advertised we found out mum had cancer. Mum knew about the job and she was so excited for me, she knew I had to get out of my job and really wanted me to go for this job! It was the last thing on my mind at the time as we went through so much in the following weeks.

Just after mum passed away, something reminded me to have a look at the job position again, I looked it up thinking I would have missed the cut off for applications but applications closed the day after mums funeral.

So the day after mummy's funeral I sat down and applied for this job, my heart was not in it but I knew I had to do it! I got an interview and the rest is history.

It has been a very difficult time to change jobs as no one knows what I have been through! So I have to turn up every day with a smile on my face and hide the pain that I am going through. Also mum would have been so happy for me and would have called a million times to see how I was doing. I miss her calls to check up on me, see how I am doing and ensure I am happy.

I know mum would be so happy for me and glad it has all worked out! I now have the work/life balance I need and the flexibility to see my family and not stress about what work I am not getting to!

Dad has been wonderful, checking up on us all! Although he is going through so much, he makes time for all of us kids! He is an amazing man! I love him so much.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Day that Changed my Life....

10 July 2010, is the day that changed my life forever and not in a good way. The day will stick in my mind as the second worse day of my life. It was the begining of 19 days of craziness, sadness and a great sense of family I knew our family already had!

Although this was the day, it all started much earlier. A couple of weeks after my mum moved up to Charters Towers to join my dad, she started feeling unwell! We all thought it was a bug mum had picked up or I really thought it was the stress release - you know after you have experienced a whole lot of stress and your body finally catches up with you when the stress goes, its not uncommon to get sick.

Anyway about 2 weeks prior to 10 July 2010, in fact around Sunday 27 June 2010, mum started having symptoms like a gastro bug. She just couldn't keep anything down and was quite unwell. Every time I called she had either been to the doctors, was at the chemist or too unwell to talk. Over the last 5.5 years, since her kidney transplant, whenever she got sick she would be sick for a long time and it would hang around because she was on immuno suppressant medication. I just thought it was one of those bugs that was hanging around.

On Friday night 9 July 2010, I received a text from my mummy saying "hey went n had a ct scan today n a ultrasound in Townsville. Still vomiting. Will let u know when I hear anything." Within seconds I was on the phone to mum, all I remember was asking "are they looking for anything in particular" and all mum responded was "yes". I asked "what are they looking for" and all she responded was that she didn't want to say anything until she had the test results which she expected to have mid next week. She told me that she had had a bad day and if she had a bad day tomorrow she would have to go back to the hospital for more saline. I tried to be positive and said that she probably just had a bad day cause she was nervous about the tests and she would be feeling better tomorrow.

After I got off the phone to her I burst into tears and was inconsolible. Shane just hugged me and asked what was wrong. We discussed the matter and came to the most logical conclusion that it was most likely mum's kidney was failing. I then rationalised that we had been through this before and we could do it again. I even joked that we had even more kidneys around than the last time mum needed a kidney...checking out Shane's kidneys saying I'd been fattening them up!

Saturday 10 July, I got up and met my friend Danni at the gym. She was having problems with her mum. I was going to mention how my mum was sick but thought no it'll be ok. I headed home, had a shower and headed into the CBD to get my hair done.

While I was at the hair dresser I received a text message from my sister, Kirsty, "Hey guys, just texted dad. Mum is in the hospital getting some more fluids, she can't keep anything down. Think she needs a few prayers!"

After my hair was done I had a few errands to do. Whilst I was wondering the city I received a phone call from my mummy, it was about 2.30pm. She asked if I was at home and I told her I was in the city I had just finished getting my hair done. She told me to give her a call when I got home. I asked her "don't you want to talk now" and she said "no", go home and be with Shane and call me.

I immediately knew I had to get home straight away, mum would always talk no matter where I was or what I was doing, I knew that my life was about to change dramatically and not for good! I rushed around the Myer Centre looking for the lift that I had come up in and couldn't find it. I chose another lift and turned out it didn't go to the carparks. I eventually found my way to my car.

The whole way home I knew my life would change with the next phone call I had to make. It was the longest 40 minutes of my life. I couldn't stop thinking, I again convinced myself it was kidney failure. I remember walking in the front door, normally when I walked in the door from getting my hair done Shane says (even though he doesn't see a difference in my hair) "nice hair baby". This day he looked at me and asked "what's wrong?".

I explained that I had to call mum, she wanted me to be home before she would talk to me. I called mum.

I don't recall alot from the conversation but I remember her trying to small talk at the beginning and all I said was how are you? She said she had been in hospital cause she hadn't been able to keep anything down and needed some saline. She then said she had got her test results back already. She then said she had "Cancer".

The words still ring in my head today. I just broke down, I couldn't believe it, they had to have it wrong. Mum then told me that they thought the primary cancer was ovarian cancer and the secondary was probably stomach cancer. She then said that it had mastercised. I did not know what this meant at the time but I knew it was not good. I now know how bad it was.

I remember asking how she was dealing with it and she said she was ok. I asked how dad was and she said not good, he cries alot.

I asked the standard questions what can we do, how are they going to treat it etc. but they didn't know a lot and they were going to do further tests the following week.

I got off the phone to mum and told Shane, I broke down again and was inconsolable again, I had never know this sort of saddness or heartache, I couldn't cope with this news, it was terrible. Shane just hugged me again and said that he wanted to get me up to Charter's Towers I needed to be with my family, and started looking for flights! Then I got a phone call from my two sister's, Amy and Kirsty who were hanging together at Kirsty's at the time. We talked about what we all had gotten out of our respective phone calls. What mum had and hadn't said. They told me they were heading to Charter's Towers first thing in the morning. We were all so sad and in disbelief.

I got off the phone and told Shane I had to go and be with my sisters, I didn't want to fly I had to be with them. I packed my bag in about 10 minutes. Phoned Allison, one of the partners from work who was absolutely distraught for me, I then emailed the rest of the partners and office manager. Shane then drove me up to Mundubbera. I remember crying most of the way. However, just before we go to Gympie I got a message from my sisters requesting cheeseburgers and junior burgers (something they couldn't get out in Mundubbera), this made me laugh and so Shane and I stopped at MacDonalds to get the appropriate supplies.

We finally got to Mundubbera about 9pm and I got t0 see my sisters. We spoke again about what we recalled from our phone calls from mum and cried together. It was so good to see them but was so sad. Shane headed back to Brisbane that night, amazing man, lucky he had been working nights recently and it was the middle of his day!

I didn't sleep much that night for a couple of reasons! Firstly waiting to hear from Shane that he got home ok but mostly going over everything in my head. What had just happened, what were we going through, what was lying ahead for us, why did my mummy have to go through yet another health issue? This was all so unfair!

These questions would all be answered in the coming days......this was only the beginning. We would all have to draw on our strength and strong family ties to get through this......

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My weekend....

So this weekend I spent a great weekend with my daddy, Amy, Kim and Bethy!

I left work at 4pm on Friday (one of the partners told me to leave so I could get down and see dad) and travelled down to see the gang! It took almost 3 hours to get there, school holidays started in Queensland, I think everyone was heading down to the Gold Coast!

After I finally arrived, dad and I headed to pick up some dinner! When we got home I had to finish my book, Tomorrow when the War began cause we were heading to the movies to see it on Saturday. Having already read it in Grade 10 at school, I still enjoyed the book.

So Saturday afternoon we headed off to the movies. We really enjoyed it, yes its an Aussie movie but was quite good, didn't drag on and was a bit of action involved! Dad and I had put on a slow cooker roast lamb before we went to the movies, so we came home to an awesome meal!

Today, Hellie and Garry met us at the Pelican for lunch then I headed home! Was a lovely weekend and so good to see my dad!

My daddy...I love him so much and it breaks my heart to see how sad and lonely he is. He is doing better but he has lost his BFF. He and mum did everything together. Everything reminds us of her and we wouldn't have it any other way. This was not how it was meant to be. They were meant to grow old together, have so many more adventures and live life to the full! It is so hard to understand why this has happened!

I love heading down to Ballina and spending time with dad and the faux family! I just wish I could be there more! It has been so hard on all of us! I miss my mummy so much, I still can't really comprehend she is not here! I will never get to see her, talk to her or hug her again!

So the reason I haven't blogged for a while, not just because I am new at this but because I have been putting off/avoiding what I really wanted to do this blog for....put down in writing what happened with my mummy!

As hard as it will be for me I want to put it down in writing before I forget what happened day by day in such a short time! I think it will be good for me as well as record it for my own benefit.

It will be hard and I will do it but maybe tomorrow!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

One Month....

One month ago tonight, at 7.55pm, the most amazing woman in the world passed away leaving a hole in my life that will never be filled again. I never knew you could experience such sadness and loss! To constantly feel such pain and a hollowness. I don't think I have still come to terms with the loss I have experienced and can't believe I will never see or speak with my mummy again. How do I even begin to describe what a wonderful lady my mummy was? She touched so many lives in so many ways! Today I just want to remember my mum and the day she left our world! I love you mummy and will always miss you!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mary Tyson

Tomorrow is the 1 month anniversary of my mother's passing! It will be a sad day for us all@