My mummy

Today, 2 years ago the world lost the most amazing woman ever. I miss my mum so much every single day. I still don't think I fully comprehend that I will never see her again. She is still so real in my memory. I still have to stop myself picking up the phone to call her when something happens in my life and remind myself as I walk through the door at dad's house, mum won't be there.

One of the happiest days of my year, was yesterday - Chloe's first birthday, it is then followed by the saddest day of my year the 2nd anniversary of mum passing away. Last year I did not truly have my time to grieve the first anniversary! It has been a very difficult month.

Although it has been an amazing 12 months having Chloe, it has also been so difficult without my mum, who would have been there for me. It has been so hard without her support, I just miss her so much and am just so sad that my baby girl will never get to meet her Ginny.

I thought I would share my little tribute to mum, the words I shared at her funeral. I had planned to share this at her first anniversary, however, I was unable to being in hospital with Chloe.

I love you mummy so much and wish you were here!

6 months ago today.....

I cannot believe that my baby girl is 6 months old today. 6 months ago we were blessed with the early arrival of our beautiful daughter Chloe Mary.

It has been an amazing time but also the saddest and loneliest time for me. As every time I do anything, any milestone, there is the realisation that I do not have my mummy here with me to share this special time and to help me out, I know she would have been with me every step of the way, this is such a special time that should be shared between a mother and her daughter, the birth of her child.I just have not had the support that my mum would have given me which has been extremely difficult. The harsh reality that my little girl will never meet her Ginny, the most wonderful woman and mummy in the world, has become all too real lately. I can only hope I am half the mother to Chloe that my mum was to all of us.

I have been blessed with a great family and a wonderful husband. I definitely now know why it takes two people to make a baby, you definitely need two people to raise a baby and a great support behind you.

Chloe has been an absolute joy and an amazing addition to our family. This time has been the most amazing time of my life being able to be home and watch as my little princess grows, learns and becomes a little person. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone.

Chloe can now:-

• sit up by herself, still a bit wobbly but she is doing very well;
• likes her story time with Shane;
• is reaching out to grab toys/items that she sees and wants;
• reaches out to be picked up;
• cannot sleep without her sleep-suit, do not even try, we tried one extremely hot night and she screamed the house down;
• Has become very vocal and likes to "talk" constantly;
• likes "song time" where I do a mini version of mum's baby bounce;
• her favourite toys are Sally (a Lamaze toy) and Violet - Violet sings a song with Chloe's name in it and it makes her smile;
• goes to sleep to the night time music played by Violet;
• has started to giggle, especially at Shane playing with her;
• has about 3 x 40 minute sleeps during the day;
• normally sleeps well at night about 11-13 hours with 1 break for a feed (not at the moment very disrupted at the moment);
• has just started solids, she has tried avocado (apparently the most similar food in fatty acid composition to breast milk) and also sweet potato mixed with breast milk and some banana as a finger food. She enjoys all of these, what little she actually takes in;
• still refuses to take a bottle of expressed milk (why would you when you can get it from the source);
• drinks water from a sippy cup and also from any glass I am drinking from, always wants a drink of what I am drinking;
• recognises her name;
• is wary of strangers, definitely knows mum and dad from others;
• loves the jolly jumper, her walker and going in the spa.

Since writing about her 3 months ago we have been very busy.

Early November brought a trip with poppy to Kingaroy to visit aunty Kirsty, uncle Michael and cousins Natalie, Charlotte and Sammuel. We had a great time seeing their new house and school. It was a surprise visit and boy did we surprise them. We met them at the school and the look on Kirsty's face not to mention the scream of delight to see us was worth every second.

We adventured around Kingaroy and also took the opportunity to take some gorgeous photos of Chloe with Poppy's amazing camera. It was so good to spend time with Kirsty and her family, we had such a good time, even Chloe settled in after the first night.

We had a couple of days at home then headed down to Ballina to spend some time with Poppy and aunty Amy and uncle Tones, before their wedding. Tried to help out with a few wedding type things, including a tasting of the wedding food and just hang out which was really nice, always love going to Ballina.

Before I knew it, it was December and we were headed back to Ballina for Amy's hen's night. Chloe also came to the hen's night at Amy Black's house, as she refused and still does refuse to take a bottle - even though its expressed breast milk. Chloe was great and was a hit with everyone, she even got sleeps in porta-cot supplied by the lovely Amy Black.

We made a quick mid week dash back to Brisbane to celebrate Shane's birthday where Chloe gave him some framed photographs of her that were taken in Kingaroy, she is pretty clever.

It was then back to Ballina for wedding prep, including pedicure and manicure (while uncle Michael and cousins looked after Chloe) and wedding rehearsal and dinner.

Finally it was the wedding day, a big day for everyone. Shane looked after Chloe all day, and brought her to me when she needed feeds. It was so exciting getting ready and spending the time with my sisters and Amy's close friends. Amy looked amazing, she was the most stunning bride ever, and Tones scrubbed up alright too. It was a great day but very long for Chloe. She managed to survive until just after the speeches but it all got too much, Shane drove around and put her to sleep while I said a very quick goodbye to everyone.

Before you know it, it was Christmas day. We had a quiet Christmas with just our small family but it was so fun to watch Chloe's face and look of amazement as we opened all her presents, she was spoiled by family. She had a very disrupted Christmas/New Year period with bad sleeping and hot days/nights.

Chloe has just started solids, its a little earlier than I would like (all I constantly hear in my head is mum saying "just because they are interested in food, doesn't mean they need it") however, I decided to start now, so there will be less of a disruption to her when I go back to work. I did not want to have to her dealing with a new routine and environment and starting solids, too much for a little baby.

Now we are preparing her for family day care, which she will start in 5 weeks, when I have to return to work. We are working on a transition program with my amazing friend Louise who will take fantastic care of her. I am so sad that I have to return to work and leave my baby girl, but I also looking forward to it. It has been so special having this time to spend with my baby girl and I will treasure it for ever, I wish it could last longer but the reality is we need somewhere to live and we need to eat etc.

I just have to say....

Disclaimer: I have written about an incident at my mum’s wake, however, I have not gone into details about the incident. Please do not read this if it may upset you. It may raise issues for some people however, it is not intended to offend anyone but hopefully will provide understanding. This is how I feel and is my feelings alone, I created this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions that have been around since my mother passed away, this is something I need to say so I can move on.

I need to express some feelings relating to my mum’s wake and what has been said about me and my family. I am not going to discuss the incident and what occurred, as this is not what this blog is about. It is more about providing an understanding of what happened in the days and weeks prior to my mum passing away.

What happened to me at my mum’s wake has changed me as a person. It hurt me beyond words can describe and left me questioning myself and who to trust. However, the one thing I am certain of is that my family and I acted and adhered to my mother’s last wishes down to the last second. We did everything to make her comfortable in her last days and allowed her to pass away with the dignity and respect she wanted and deserved.

Although my mum was extremely sick and in unimaginable pain, she was consulted about every aspect of her care and well-being. She was informed of every person who made contact with us and her, she knew everyone cared and was thinking and praying for her and who wanted to visit her. Nothing was kept from her and she understood everything that was going on around her. She made all decisions surrounding her health and “social” activity. She knew everything and we left it to her to decide what she wanted and what she could handle in those days, we respected those decisions and passed on her choices to the relevant people.

It was not an easy time for my mother, although she was a very public person and had so much love to give, she was very private in her suffering. She had suffered with her health for a number of years but portrayed herself as a healthy, happy, confident lady and full of life, as she was a very dignified person. She often got frustrated at herself when she did not feel 100%, but never let it stop her. There were certain things that happened in her life she just did not want to share with everyone.

I am very confident and happy with how my mummy was treated in the last few days of her life and I know she was as well. I know she knew that people cared and wanted to see her, however, she decided she could not do this. Although her whole life was about helping others, this one time she finally did what she wanted and what was best for her at the time. I know we carried out her wishes to a tee and allowed her to live her final days the way she wanted. I know I would not change a thing.

I just want people to understand this, it was simply about my mummy and what she wanted.