5 weeks to go....

For so long, it felt like it was so far away, now it is just over one month to go until our little girl will be with us.

It is a crazy time, filled with mixed emotions - excitement and happiness, fear and dread for the impending labour, its like a roller-coaster. I still feel like there is so much to do and that I will never be prepared for this little person to be so reliant on me and Shane. This is NOT helped by the fact I keep having these dreams that I keep forgetting I have a baby, yikes, could be awkward!

Although I had the best dream the other night - my birth plan went to plan - I woke up one day and couldn't remember being in labour but the baby had arrived - yes, my TOTALLY realistic birth plan is that the baby just appears - I miss labour all together!

Thought I would also take this opportunity to share a couple of updated pregnancy shots - some taken by my awesome sister while down in Ballina - yes she is amazing! And then there is just the most recent one taken on my iphone, after a looooonnnng week of work! Yes I still have 5 weeks of work to go - working right up till the end, all going well, so I can make the most of my leave with the baby!

The Start of "Twelve Months Today"......

So twelve months today I received that phone call that changed my life forever, in the worst possible way, when I spoke with mum and found out she had cancer. The last thing I ever thought when I received that call that we would only have 19 more days with our mummy ever, it was the beginning of the end. I still recall vividly how the world felt like it had been pulled out beneath me when I heard that word "cancer" and then followed by "mastercised".

I was completely devastated and my world was turned upside down....how can it already be 12 months since this has all happened?

So I've taken this opportunity to write down more of what happened during those last 19 days with the most amazing lady in the world. We had managed to discuss after we arrived the fact that dad and mum were going to pack up and move back to Ballina, they would get treatment for mum in Brisbane, which would require them moving in with Shane and I during this time. The plan was set and whatever it took, we would get mum some treatment!

The Monday was mum and dad's 35th wedding anniversary. At this time, I believe they had only told us kids about the cancer. I remember reading on Facebook dad's beautiful message to mum particularly where he wrote something along the lines of 'happy 35th wedding anniversary, looking forward to another 35 wonderful years together'. It made me sad at the time course of the circumstances but was so beautiful to read. I only wish they had had more time together.

That morning dad headed off to work, to tell his work colleagues about mums cancer and to basically quit the most amazing job he had in a long time. He loved this job, the people and the place. Amy and I decided to meet him down at the library and take them morning tea before the library opened.

When we arrived dad took us on a tour of the most amazing refurbished old pub building and introduced us to his staff. He informed us that he had spoken with his staff and that he would be home shortly, as they were letting him go home for the day!

That afternoon mum and dad took us up to the lookout at Charters Towers so we could feed the rock wallabies. It was one of the things mum used to love doing at Charters. At Ballina she loved watching the water and whales, in Charters it was going up to the lookout and feeding the rock wallabies.

Despite how sick she was, she wanted to take us up to the lookout. We were lucky enough to take some amazing photos, this is the last photos I have with my mummy and she looks so happy even though she was so sick. I will treasure these photos forever, just happy and enjoying life.

The Tuesday I remember taking mum to Sullivan Nicholaides to get blood tests done, while mum was in the room I broke down again. I managed to pull myself together just in time for mum to come out of the room. We headed back home.

On Wednesday we took mum up to the hospital for some more tests. She requested that they give her some more saline but they did not. It was very difficult for her to keep anything down food or water. At this stage she was getting sicker each day, I kept thinking that tomorrow she will have a "good" day, that never happened. By Wednesday afternoon mum basically demanded fluids.

Dad and Amy took her up to the hospital, at this stage dad phoned her doctor in Ballina to let him know what was happening and the state mum was in. He told dad to get her to the nearest regional hospital so they could get her stabilised with fluids etc.

They drove to the Charters Towers hospital and pretty much demanded something be done. I remember dad telling us that the doctor said "if you had private health insurance we could do something faster". I can only imagine dad's look of horror as he would have turned to them and said "we have health insurance, no one has asked us if we have it, do something".

They then drove all the way to Townsville, mum was seen by a gyno-oncologist. They got a referral to see a specialist down in Brisbane. Mum was given fluids and they set off back to Charters Towers. They arrived home and we started planning. An appointment was made for mum to see the gyn-oncologist on the following Tuesday.

Thursday and Friday flew by. Friday night we had this buffet Chinese dinner which was delicious.

During Thursday and Friday it was decided that mum and dad would fly down on the Sunday, I managed to get a flight back on the Saturday (so I could make space for my new roomies) and Kirsty and Amy would stay in Charters Towers to pack up the house. Daniel and Adele also made their way up to Charters Towers to help pack up the house.

The Saturday came and Amy and Kirsty drove me to Townsville. In our usual style we managed to fit in some shopping before I had a go at Amy - it had been a stressful week and I was so freaked out about getting to my flight on time, we did not know where the airport was - I arrived at the airport with 30 minutes before my flight departed - soz Amy!

I arrived home safely to my amazing husband and started reorganising the house so mum and dad would feel more comfortable and have their own space.

During this week my sisters and I managed to shop at every single store in Charters Towers, not that there are many stores there but we bought everything we could for our mum! We enjoyed taking home presents for her, she was way too sick to actually go with us and I think slightly enjoyed the small amount of time we gave her alone - we can be a little overwhelming at times!

On Sunday afternoon I went to the airport and picked up mum and dad. I met them at the gates, mum was in a wheel chair looking very fragile. However, she still managed to have a bit of a joke, while mum and dad were at the Townsville airport they had seen the whole of the Cowboys football team, we joked that it would have been the perfect opportunity for her to get all of their signatures, a sick lady in a wheel chair, how could they have refused!?!?!

During this time, mum managed to keep up her sense of humour, she was an amazing lady who we all love and adore.

So today is the start of a lot of reminiscing and remember the many "twelve months today" that will occur over the next 19 days. As I write this I remember this time twelve months ago I had quickly packed a bag of clothes and my wonderful husband was driving me up to my sister's house in Mundubbera. I can only thank God that we made the decision to head up to Charters Towers and be with my mummy and daddy during this time, I have these memories and a few photos that I will treasure forever. The time I spent with them during these last days will never be forgotten!

Third Trimester....on the downhill run

So I am now in my third trimester, all is going well at the moment. Only 12 weeks to go, yikes! There is so much to do and so little time, yet I am getting bigger and much slower, so it takes me forever to do anything, when I actually manage to have the energy to do anything!




I had another scan at around 20 weeks and they took thousands of measurements and everything was how it was meant to be. They found and measured everything that they should have, which was a big relief. We also found out we were having a little girl! Although, she was very modest at the time (which is a good thing for a little girl) it made it difficult for them to determine, two people had a look and both confirmed there was the "3 lines" which indicates girlie bits and not boy bits.

I have been feeling well since about 16 or 17 weeks. I had a good 10 weeks and have started getting very tired again. If I get too tired then I start to feel unwell again, so I have to start reducing my hours at work to the "normal" hours instead of doing 1-2 hours overtime each day.

I had my glucose test on Thursday, checking for gestational diabetes. Little BB enjoyed the sugary goodness of the glucose, about half hour after I had drunk it there was a lot of movement, I am thinking somersaults! I will get the results next Friday afternoon.

It has been a really interesting time for me. I am still in shock that there is a little person growing inside me and that this person will come to rely on me 100% in a few short months. It is all a bit surreal for me that I have this person inside me....I can only imagine how difficult it is for Shane to try and comprehend.

I felt the baby move for the first time on 29 March around 9pm(I remember the date cause it was 8 months and about 1 hour after mum passed away, those dates just stick with you). I had just gone to bed and settled down and felt a light fluttering in my belly that went on and off for about half an hour.

Shane felt the baby move for the first time on Easter Monday. I had seen my belly move when I was at dads for the Easter long weekend and knew he would be able to feel it. I drove home Easter Monday and she started moving when I went to bed. So I came out to the lounge room (Shane was still up) and sat down but she stopped moving, so after about half hour of nothing I went back to bed. Shane came to bed a little while later and while I was lying the
re she started moving again.

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly and he felt her move. It was a nice moment, sitting there for about a minute and then after awhile, Shane did an aliens impersonation which made me laugh and the movement was gone.

I have to admit, I don't know what I would have done without my husband over the last 5 months, he has been amazing. He hasn't stopped cooking, cleaning and helping me up, lol! He has been there for me throughout everything, including those emotional days, stupid pregnancy hormones! I love him soooo much!

It has also been a time of great sadness for me. I feel like I am missing out on a huge part of the whole pregnancy experience, sharing this moment with my mummy! It is so hard because I know she would have played a huge part in my pregnancy. She would have been so excited and come shopping with me and it would have been such a fun thing. I know she would have ensured that I knew what was going on, that I had everything I need. I feel like I have no idea about all this mother type stuff, the stuff she knew so well and was amazing at.

At the moment I am relying a lot on books to find out all those little things that I know mum would have prepared me for. I have been blessed with a knowledgeable sister, Kirsty and a wonderful friend, Mandy! I am so lucky, not only will I have my amazing husband Shane with me when our baby is born but Kirsty will be there as well. She will be the brains of the event, having been in this situation previously herself. She is even coming down next weekend to attend our antenatal class with Shane and I. I am lucky to have these amazing people around me!

Mandy has been amazing, ensuring I have things like bio oil to prevent my stretch marks, breast pads in my bag in case I start leaking early, showing me how to put together an electric breast pump, providing all those little things that I wouldn't have otherwise known. Mum was always so open with us about life and prepared us well but there are some things you just don't need to know until it happens.

I feel so sad that my mummy is not here for this, I feel very empty at times without her for this big event in my life. At times I just break down, I can't do this without her, I want my mummy. She should be here for this!

The trip to Charters Towers.....

So the last time I wrote about what happened with my mum I ended up being in Munduberra with my two sisters on our way to Charters Towers.

I don't think any of us slept well the night night before we left - I couldn't stop thinking not only about my husband driving all the way back to Brisbane but also what was going on with my mum. I didn't know how serious this all was, what was going to happen to my mum.

Well about 6am on the Sunday morning (11 July 2010) my sisters - Kirsty, Amy and I set off to find answers and give support to my mum and dad. I was camped out in the back seat and Kirsty and Amy took it in turns to drive. I hate driving but reassured both of them that if all of their arms fell off, I would drive!

It was a 10 hour drive filled with laughter (it is a Tyson coping mechanism), many tears, talk about what was happening, what would happen with our mum - I believe I also did an amazing rendition of "way out west" at a service station in the middle of nowhere, I may have embarrassed my sisters just a little bit.

After a long journey we finally managed to make our way to Charters Towers - admittedly it took us awhile to find mum and dads place - how you get lost in Charters Towers I don't know but we managed it (to call would have totally ruined any surprise and we learnt the art of surprise from our mum) - but we did get there eventually.

We pulled up out the front of the house and walked around the side towards the back, as we got to the back of the house dad was walking around the corner (to go feed the next door neighbours cat). I remember seeing the look of absolute shock and disbelief on his face, then him breaking down in tears - I think this was the first time I had ever really seen my dad really cry - he asked what we were doing here and we all responded that we had to be there. He pointed us to the back door and said mums inside.

I remember walking in the back door and seeing my mummy on the recliner looking so sick and her belly being so swollen. It took her a second or two but then she realised what was going on. She asked us what we were doing there but was happy to see us. We sat and talked for a while.

After a while, even in her unwell state, mum got up to show us around her new home - she took us on a tour of the yard - she walked so slowly and with such pain but still wanted to show off her place. She told us all about her neighbours and how lovely they were.

That afternoon I went with dad to take Molly for a walk. Kirsty and Amy stayed and spoke with mum. Dad was so happy we were there and so relieved to have us there. He said that he could tell she had picked up a bit just by seeing us. I remember having a talk with him about the prognosis (I was still so unsure of where things stood). He said it didn't look too good and hopefully we would have some answers in the coming days but he wanted to get mum down to Brisbane as soon as possible for treatment which meant they would be moving in with Shane and I for a while - I was happy to do what we could to help. The one thing I really remember was dad saying to me that the one thing mum hated the thought of was not meeting all her grandchildren or Amy's future husband.

When he said those words to me, it started to sink in the severity of the situation but it still had not completely sunk in. All I could think was my mum is a fighter, she will be fine and I honestly believed that for the next two and a half weeks right up until two hours before she passed away.

Our News.....

Just thought I would let everyone know that Shane and I are expecting our first child on 20 August this year. We are both very excited and nervous about bringing a new life into this world.

Although this is an unexpected surprise, we are both very happy to be blessed with the opportunity to have a baby of our own.

On Thursday I had the 12 week scan, which determines the likelihood of chromosomal diseases such as Downs Syndrome. We were told our risk was very low. All we can hope for now is a beautiful healthy baby.

BB (Baby Burgin) was not impressed with having to share space in me during the scan with my full bladder. I was allowed to release some of the fluid and it was absolutely amazing to see BB bounce around inside me. It was as though BB was going "yay, there is all this room now and I am going to use it all"!

It is so amazing to see this baby forming inside you. Even more amazing that at this stage, if I wasn't sick and tired all the time, I really wouldn't know anything was going on inside! It really is crazy how your body just knows how to make this baby and I don't have to do anything (I am really glad it hasn't asked me for instructions, he he he).

I would just like to show you a couple of photos of our baby and will keep you updated on the progress.

Six Months ago today.....

Where has the time gone? It only seems like yesterday that my mummy was here with us all, laughing with us, crying with us, being our best friend. How can time go so quickly, yet it all seem so close?

I still recall every sad moment of the last three weeks of my mummy's life, it is all still so painful and real. The loss of your mum and best friend cannot be described, it is so emotional and with you every day of your life! Nothing can feel the void and just the thought of not seeing her again can make you break down in a second.

She was the first person I would call for anything that happened in my life. So much has happened in this short period of time and so many times I have wanted to call her but have to stop and think who do I call now?

My mum was the most amazing woman ever. She brought so much joy to so many people. She was full of life and love and was the most generous person I have ever known. I miss her every day. I will miss her smile, her laughter and her love of life.

She always lit up the room when she walked in , there was never a dull moment when mum was around!

I love you so much mummy, you will be forever missed!

You will always be in my thoughts and I know you will always be by my side!

Ballina for the weekend

I want to start by sharing some awesome news....my friend Louise and her husband welcomed their first baby, son Jett, into the world on Monday! I am so excited and happy for them. This baby is a miracle and I believe will be an absolute blessing to them both! They will be wonderful parents. This is a truly wanted baby! Congratulations Louise and Tony, hope everything is going well, I can't wait to meet Jett!

So this weekend I headed down to Ballina for the weekend. My husband is over in Perth for work and so I have decided to spend some quality time with my dad and sister each weekend.

Friday afternoon I finished work, headed home to pick up the dog and started my trip to Ballina. On my way down along the highway near the Gold Coast I watched as a van 50 metres in front of me in the left hand lane, lucky I was in the right hand lane, slammed on its brakes. I heard a screeching skid mark then saw the van start to fishtail, next thing it turned and hit the cement wall to its left head on. Just as I past it it was heading back onto the road. I freaked out and went to slam on my brakes but something stopped me and the thought was there, if you slam on your brakes you will end up the same, so I kept going! As I passed the van it spun round and I saw the damage to the front of the car. It was horrible....so in shock I completed my journey to Ballina.

I arrived in Ballina at my dad's place, the first time I had been there to stay (I have previously been staying with Kim and Beth) since mum passed away! It was very sad heading to mum and dad's place with no mum there, just knowing she wouldn't be there running out the door to see me as I arrived made me so sad!

But I was so happy to see my daddy and my sister when I arrived. We had dinner, watched Dawson's Creek (oh the memories) and headed to bed! Unfortunately my dog Buddy had other ideas, he kept me awake all night he decided he was on guard duty and kept wandering all over the house!

Saturday dad and I went to visit mum in Lismore. The plaque for her grave arrived a couple of weeks ago and it was the first time I had seen it! It is just what she would have wanted...a fantastic fuschia plaque with gold edging! It stands out among the other graves, just how it should be!

It was a very difficult morning but was good to go spend time with mum again. Mums best friend Vicki has recently been involved in a floristry course and made mum the best bright pink posie ever. She left it there the week before and it still looked amazing, she is so talented and has been amazing to our family during this difficult time!

As we were heading back to Ballina i received a txt message from my friend Sarah who lives in the UK but is over in Australia at the moment on holidays, saying that she was in Ballina on her way back down to Canberra. I was stoked, I thought I had missed catching up with her in Brisbane on the Friday night cause I was in Ballina!

We caught up and spent some quality time together. I miss Sarah so much, she is such a joy to be around, always making me laugh, just what I needed! She gave me more exciting news...her and boyfriend Scott are engaged! I am so excited for them, they have been having a long distance relationship for about 7 years, Scott lives in Canberra!!!!! Congratulations Sarah and Scott, I am so happy for you and can't wait to attend the wedding! You guys are an amazing couple and love you both heaps!

We had a quite evening getting Thai takeaway, which was delicious, putting up the Christmas tree (another difficult moment - mum loved Christmas sooooo much) and watching Amy's new favourite, Dawson's Creek!

This morning I headed to Church with my dad and sister, I like to go and be the strong one there for my dad, he likes to go but is so hard for him cause it reminds him so much of mum and the time they spent there and how much she loved her Church. So the strong daughter ended up running out of the Church in tears....go me! Someone was sharing a story about how they had been so sick about 10 years ago, they were crippled with pain in their joints, their kidneys failed and they ended up on dialysis. She ended up being cured, her kidneys started functioning again and she looked quite healthy today. She was telling her story and all I could think was why not mum? Why wasn't my mum still here? Why did she have to go through all the pain of dialysis, a kidney transplant and then finally cancer? Why was my mum not still here? It is so unfair! I had to leave! I still don't understand and never will why my mummy was taken away from me and her whole family so early. It just was not meant to be this way! I ended up going back in and spoke with dad, he totally understood and was asking the same questions as me, and was sad too! Why was his BFF and wife taken from him! I don't think we will ever know!

Anyway, dad, Amy and I ended up going out for lunch which was lovely! Then I decided to kidnap my daddy and bring him back to Brisbane! So my dad is staying here with me for the week, to keep me company while my husband is away! I am so happy I have my daddy with me!

Hope you had a good weekend!

PS - Amy I hope you are feeling better!