My mummy

Today, 2 years ago the world lost the most amazing woman ever. I miss my mum so much every single day. I still don't think I fully comprehend that I will never see her again. She is still so real in my memory. I still have to stop myself picking up the phone to call her when something happens in my life and remind myself as I walk through the door at dad's house, mum won't be there.

One of the happiest days of my year, was yesterday - Chloe's first birthday, it is then followed by the saddest day of my year the 2nd anniversary of mum passing away. Last year I did not truly have my time to grieve the first anniversary! It has been a very difficult month.

Although it has been an amazing 12 months having Chloe, it has also been so difficult without my mum, who would have been there for me. It has been so hard without her support, I just miss her so much and am just so sad that my baby girl will never get to meet her Ginny.

I thought I would share my little tribute to mum, the words I shared at her funeral. I had planned to share this at her first anniversary, however, I was unable to being in hospital with Chloe.

I love you mummy so much and wish you were here!

6 months ago today.....

I cannot believe that my baby girl is 6 months old today. 6 months ago we were blessed with the early arrival of our beautiful daughter Chloe Mary.

It has been an amazing time but also the saddest and loneliest time for me. As every time I do anything, any milestone, there is the realisation that I do not have my mummy here with me to share this special time and to help me out, I know she would have been with me every step of the way, this is such a special time that should be shared between a mother and her daughter, the birth of her child.I just have not had the support that my mum would have given me which has been extremely difficult. The harsh reality that my little girl will never meet her Ginny, the most wonderful woman and mummy in the world, has become all too real lately. I can only hope I am half the mother to Chloe that my mum was to all of us.

I have been blessed with a great family and a wonderful husband. I definitely now know why it takes two people to make a baby, you definitely need two people to raise a baby and a great support behind you.

Chloe has been an absolute joy and an amazing addition to our family. This time has been the most amazing time of my life being able to be home and watch as my little princess grows, learns and becomes a little person. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone.

Chloe can now:-

• sit up by herself, still a bit wobbly but she is doing very well;
• likes her story time with Shane;
• is reaching out to grab toys/items that she sees and wants;
• reaches out to be picked up;
• cannot sleep without her sleep-suit, do not even try, we tried one extremely hot night and she screamed the house down;
• Has become very vocal and likes to "talk" constantly;
• likes "song time" where I do a mini version of mum's baby bounce;
• her favourite toys are Sally (a Lamaze toy) and Violet - Violet sings a song with Chloe's name in it and it makes her smile;
• goes to sleep to the night time music played by Violet;
• has started to giggle, especially at Shane playing with her;
• has about 3 x 40 minute sleeps during the day;
• normally sleeps well at night about 11-13 hours with 1 break for a feed (not at the moment very disrupted at the moment);
• has just started solids, she has tried avocado (apparently the most similar food in fatty acid composition to breast milk) and also sweet potato mixed with breast milk and some banana as a finger food. She enjoys all of these, what little she actually takes in;
• still refuses to take a bottle of expressed milk (why would you when you can get it from the source);
• drinks water from a sippy cup and also from any glass I am drinking from, always wants a drink of what I am drinking;
• recognises her name;
• is wary of strangers, definitely knows mum and dad from others;
• loves the jolly jumper, her walker and going in the spa.

Since writing about her 3 months ago we have been very busy.

Early November brought a trip with poppy to Kingaroy to visit aunty Kirsty, uncle Michael and cousins Natalie, Charlotte and Sammuel. We had a great time seeing their new house and school. It was a surprise visit and boy did we surprise them. We met them at the school and the look on Kirsty's face not to mention the scream of delight to see us was worth every second.

We adventured around Kingaroy and also took the opportunity to take some gorgeous photos of Chloe with Poppy's amazing camera. It was so good to spend time with Kirsty and her family, we had such a good time, even Chloe settled in after the first night.

We had a couple of days at home then headed down to Ballina to spend some time with Poppy and aunty Amy and uncle Tones, before their wedding. Tried to help out with a few wedding type things, including a tasting of the wedding food and just hang out which was really nice, always love going to Ballina.

Before I knew it, it was December and we were headed back to Ballina for Amy's hen's night. Chloe also came to the hen's night at Amy Black's house, as she refused and still does refuse to take a bottle - even though its expressed breast milk. Chloe was great and was a hit with everyone, she even got sleeps in porta-cot supplied by the lovely Amy Black.

We made a quick mid week dash back to Brisbane to celebrate Shane's birthday where Chloe gave him some framed photographs of her that were taken in Kingaroy, she is pretty clever.

It was then back to Ballina for wedding prep, including pedicure and manicure (while uncle Michael and cousins looked after Chloe) and wedding rehearsal and dinner.

Finally it was the wedding day, a big day for everyone. Shane looked after Chloe all day, and brought her to me when she needed feeds. It was so exciting getting ready and spending the time with my sisters and Amy's close friends. Amy looked amazing, she was the most stunning bride ever, and Tones scrubbed up alright too. It was a great day but very long for Chloe. She managed to survive until just after the speeches but it all got too much, Shane drove around and put her to sleep while I said a very quick goodbye to everyone.

Before you know it, it was Christmas day. We had a quiet Christmas with just our small family but it was so fun to watch Chloe's face and look of amazement as we opened all her presents, she was spoiled by family. She had a very disrupted Christmas/New Year period with bad sleeping and hot days/nights.

Chloe has just started solids, its a little earlier than I would like (all I constantly hear in my head is mum saying "just because they are interested in food, doesn't mean they need it") however, I decided to start now, so there will be less of a disruption to her when I go back to work. I did not want to have to her dealing with a new routine and environment and starting solids, too much for a little baby.

Now we are preparing her for family day care, which she will start in 5 weeks, when I have to return to work. We are working on a transition program with my amazing friend Louise who will take fantastic care of her. I am so sad that I have to return to work and leave my baby girl, but I also looking forward to it. It has been so special having this time to spend with my baby girl and I will treasure it for ever, I wish it could last longer but the reality is we need somewhere to live and we need to eat etc.

I just have to say....

Disclaimer: I have written about an incident at my mum’s wake, however, I have not gone into details about the incident. Please do not read this if it may upset you. It may raise issues for some people however, it is not intended to offend anyone but hopefully will provide understanding. This is how I feel and is my feelings alone, I created this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions that have been around since my mother passed away, this is something I need to say so I can move on.

I need to express some feelings relating to my mum’s wake and what has been said about me and my family. I am not going to discuss the incident and what occurred, as this is not what this blog is about. It is more about providing an understanding of what happened in the days and weeks prior to my mum passing away.

What happened to me at my mum’s wake has changed me as a person. It hurt me beyond words can describe and left me questioning myself and who to trust. However, the one thing I am certain of is that my family and I acted and adhered to my mother’s last wishes down to the last second. We did everything to make her comfortable in her last days and allowed her to pass away with the dignity and respect she wanted and deserved.

Although my mum was extremely sick and in unimaginable pain, she was consulted about every aspect of her care and well-being. She was informed of every person who made contact with us and her, she knew everyone cared and was thinking and praying for her and who wanted to visit her. Nothing was kept from her and she understood everything that was going on around her. She made all decisions surrounding her health and “social” activity. She knew everything and we left it to her to decide what she wanted and what she could handle in those days, we respected those decisions and passed on her choices to the relevant people.

It was not an easy time for my mother, although she was a very public person and had so much love to give, she was very private in her suffering. She had suffered with her health for a number of years but portrayed herself as a healthy, happy, confident lady and full of life, as she was a very dignified person. She often got frustrated at herself when she did not feel 100%, but never let it stop her. There were certain things that happened in her life she just did not want to share with everyone.

I am very confident and happy with how my mummy was treated in the last few days of her life and I know she was as well. I know she knew that people cared and wanted to see her, however, she decided she could not do this. Although her whole life was about helping others, this one time she finally did what she wanted and what was best for her at the time. I know we carried out her wishes to a tee and allowed her to live her final days the way she wanted. I know I would not change a thing.

I just want people to understand this, it was simply about my mummy and what she wanted.

Three Months Old

Well Friday will mark Chloe's 3 month birthday.

During this time we have had an amazing time with our beautiful baby girl. She is growing every day and I am continually amazed by her and what she can do. Every new thing she learns and responds to is a joy for Shane and I.

Chloe now weighs 6.4kg and is 61cm long. She has grown 10cm and more than doubled her weight! So she is absolutely thriving, I am still amazed how she can grow so much just from me feeding her breast milk!

We have had a couple of adventures since she was born. We have had visits from Poppy, Aunty Kirsty and family, Aunty Amy and future Uncle Tones, Uncle Kim and Aunty Beth and Nanny Wendy. In late September we headed down to Ballina for cousin Freddy's Christening. Chloe met all her cousins on my side of the family and Uncle Daniel and Aunty Adele. She was also introduced to extended family, Vicky and John, Helen and Gary and Stacey. It was a great time, very exhausting but great to be around family. It was here that Daniel and Adele introduced me to the most amazing sleeping suit in the world, it has kept Chloe settled at nights and helps her sleep.

It has been an wonderful time but has gone so fast.

Thought I would take this opportunity to write down a few things that she now does:-

• Loves swinging in her Elmo swing and will fall asleep in it when tired;
• She smiles at everything, an amazingly happy baby. Her whole face lights up and she has the cutest dimples;
• Has almost started giggling, she lets out a little squeal occasionally;
• Loves "this little piggy" and "round and round the garden", will smile and almost giggle;
• Holds her head up very well, still occasionally it gets a bit heavy for her;
• Does not like tummy time;
• Is still sleeping in her bassinet beside our bed, mostly for convenience for night time feeding;
• Has slept up to 8.5 hrs at night in her small sleep suit;
• Wakes up every 4-5 hrs when sleeping in her bigger sleep suit;
• Likes to feed regularly during the day, especially in this heat;
• Likes the mobile in her cot and smiles at it, am currently familiarising her with her cot as she gets freaked out in unfamiliar areas;
• Likes a light on when we sleep, she sleeps much better;
• Takes a couple of hours to settle at night time;
  
• Is an absolute treasure and a very placid baby.

Well there are a few things about our little Chloe. We very much are in love with our baby girl.

She is growing so quickly and I am loving every minute of being her mum!

Introducing Chloe Mary Burgin

So our little bundle of joy has arrived, early, but here safe and sound!

On Thursday 28 July, I was 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I set off for work as usual, however this day was different as I was set to head down to Ballina that afternoon for a long weekend to be with my family for mum's anniversary on 29 July.

I went to work for a couple of hours but also had a hospital appointment that morning. I went to the hospital appointment, unfortunately Shane was unable to attend as he was working. At the appointment the doctor conducted the usual checks but thought the baby was not in the right position, so did a scan to confirm her position. It was discovered that the baby was breech and I was informed that I would have to make a decision whether to try and turn the baby or have a caesarian. I was extremely upset by this and spoke to the doctor about the options. I decided to wait to make the decision until I had discussed it with Shane and my doctor the following Monday.

I told the doctor I was meant to be heading to Ballina for the weekend and she told me that it should be ok but if anything happened I was to contact the local hospital immediately and inform them that the baby was breech.

I left the hospital completely devastated and extremely emotional. Not only had my hopes of having a natural birth started to diminish, I was of course pregnant and mum's anniversary was the next day so I was naturally extremely upset. I spoke with my dad and sister Kirsty who reassured me that everything would be ok. I again was unable to speak with Shane cause he was at work but sent him a message letting him know she was breech.

I went back to work and told my staff what had happened, as I had been 2 hours at the hospital. Half an hour after I returned to work about 11.30am, I went to the photocopier to pick up a form to email to a customer and as I was returning to my desk....I heard a pop and next thing fluid rushed down my leg. Yes, it was that dramatic - movie style waters breaking. I remember saying "Oh shit, I think my waters just broke"! I don't think everyone believed me at first but quickly everyone jumped into action. I refused to move as I didn't want to leak everywhere.

I contacted the hospital and was informed I was to go straight to the hospital. I contacted Shane and then my dad and Kirsty. I remember saying to my staff, "well looks like I am having a caesarian, the decision has been taken out of m hands". One of my staff, Michelle, drove me to the hospital, as Shane's boss wouldn't let him leave straight away (that is a story for another day!)

Just after 12pm I arrived at the hospital and they took me straight to the birthing suite. The baby and I were monitored and then examined. I started having contractions around 12.15pm and they were 3minutes apart. I was informed that they would prep me for surgery and I would be having the caesarian at 2.00pm. The contractions continued but before I knew it I was headed into surgery and being given an epidural. The whole time I kept saying to the staff "I've never been to hospital, can you explain why you are doing that?"

Before too long, at 2.41pm our beautiful little Chloe Mary was born. She is absolutely gorgeous and both Shane and I fell in love with her immediately. She weighed 2.92kg, was 50cm long and 35cm head.

We have had a lot of visitors and support over the last few weeks. Thank you to everyone who has sent us messages, advice, cards and presents to welcome our little girl into the world.

She is almost 3 weeks old now and we are getting into a routine, we could not ask for a more wonderful little girl. We are both so happy and proud of our little girl.

The Saddest Week....

Coming up to the anniversary of the saddest week of my life, its so hard not to think about what went on during that time.

Looking back over the last week and what happened is something I need to write down.

I remember the first morning I woke up after mum and dad had arrived in Brisbane, it was a Monday and I was heading off to work. I came out of my bedroom and found mum in the cold and dark playing with her iphone. She was sitting there so quietly, she hadn't been able to sleep well in the bed, it was uncomfortable and I hadn't shown her how to turn on the heating and tv - I quickly showed her how but felt so bad seeing her sit in the dark and all alone. I headed back to work and to a million and one questions.

The next morning I woke up but mum was still in bed, she had her gyno-oncologist appointment that day and Kim and Beth were arriving to see her that day. I again headed off to work. I came home to the news that the specialist would be admitting mum to hospital the next day (also that Kim and Beth had managed to drink the specialist fees in coffee - he apparently had an awesome coffee machine in the waiting room - big mistake!)

So Wednesday 21 July my mummy was admitted to hospital - before she went into hospital Kim, Beth and dad took her down to the waters edge and park near my place (I remember her telling me she didn't realise how close we were to the water and she thought it was fantastic), she loved the water and sadly this was her last outing. After I finished work I went to the hospital and spent some time with mum, at 8pm visiting hours were over and I took dad back home.

The next couple of days were filled with tests for mum to try and determine were exactly the cancer was. The good thing was that she was finally put on a drip. My days were spent taking dad to the hospital in the morning, spending some time with mum, going to work and heading back to the hospital after work to spend more time with my mummy. I am so lucky I had this time with her, that I live where I live so I could have the ability to be with her and have a place for dad to stay.

On Friday Daniel and Adele and Amy turned up in Brisbane, after a long week (with Kirsty) of packing up mum and dad's house in Charters Towers. It was great to see them, Daniel and Adele also ended up staying at our place during this time. Amy stayed and took dad home from the hospital that night.

Saturday Amy took dad to the hospital and ended up going back to Ballina, we had to bring Miss Molly to the hospital so she could take her home. I remember calling Amy to make sure she was ready to head back home, she was so sad at the time. When we arrived at the hospital I ran in to make sure she was ok and met her half way - I tried to reassure her that it was all going to be ok - I later found out mum had spoken with Amy about how she thought this was the end.

Daniel, Adele and I went up to spend some time with mum and dad. After awhile mum started to get a bit funny - turns out she was worried that we were bored and she felt bad that we were hanging around. We ended up going to the South Bank markets and got lollies and some lunch. We returned to the hospital and spent some more time with her. It was all too much for her so we ended up going home.

My friends Danni and Sam came around that night to see how we were doing - it was great to see them. We cooked a bbq and potato bake - unfortunately the smell of the garlic in the potato bake was not good for mum when dad and I turned up to see her the next day.

Mum again got overwhelmed by me hanging at the hospital with dad and I ended up leaving again - all I wanted was to spend time with her but she was so exhausted and sick. Every day I would turn up at the hospital just hoping that she would be feeling better, isn't that what they do at hospitals make you feel better but that never happened. She continued to be sick and tired and not be able to sleep. We tried to get her everything we could to make her more comfortable but nothing seemed to work - yet I was still in denial - she would still fight this and she would be ok - that's my mum, she's a fighter - had been her whole life!

Then it was work time again, heading back to work, I still believed everything would be ok - she was in hospital and they would fix her. The hospital stopped doing tests and started discussing possible treatments - whether they could treat her or not.

On Tuesday I went shopping for mum to get her some more tops for the pj's I'd got her over the weekend. I finished work and headed back to the hospital. I remember coming out of the lift and Daniel and Adele were in the waiting area, waiting for me. I didn't think anything of it at the time but they walked with me to mum's room - I went in there and started talking about my day and what I had got for mum. Then all of a sudden my world again came to a tumbling halt - mum and dad told me that the specialists believed that she may have only a couple of days left, maybe a couple of weeks. I was devastated, everyone one was in a disbelief. It was a very sad realisation, that we could be loosing her.

It was that night that dad had to make the phone calls to all my siblings to let them know and that it may be a good idea to make their ways to Brisbane. I remember just sitting with him while he made the calls. It was just so sad, it breaks my heart to recall those devastating moments.